More happy thoughts

I missed yesterday... I really enjoyed my physio session. The physiotherapist is Christian, and has Bible quotes on the walls, and a Christian music station playing. *sighs* God bless that place! It'll be amazing being treated there. And he's a good physiotherapist, too. Choral was also
super; we made beautiful music!

Now, for today, which I can remember a bit better...
A hot shower
A good breakfast, shared with some fellow Windsorites
Good ecology class
Good plant class; I correctly identified the types of cones on a pine tree picture, and kind of blew the class and Dr. K away ^^;;
Good Ethics class; I'm getting paid to take notes now in that class, a nice bonus
Interesting Anthro class
I had food for lunch
Good follow-up session for Creighton
Easy hour of CPing
Food to eat for supper
A nice, short chat with some girls on my floor
Got my Ecology lab work done
Chatted with Joseph for a bit
Enjoyed a hot cup of Monk's Blend tea (smells absolutely heavenly ^^ )
Can currently see the full moon peeking through the leaves on the tree outside my window

Even in a busy day, so many good things happening to me... And only two more days of the week left, before it's weekend time! ^^

Hmm, haven't posted in awhile...

Well. It's been awhile. life hasn't changed too much on the whole, I guess, except I'm now on a mission to not assume that life must be happy, and that each bit of happiness we should be thankful for, because we don't have a right to it. So, I'm going to try to list every good thing that happened to me every day, no matter how small, and say a little prayer of thanksgiving for them all.

Starting with this morning...
When I woke up, I peaked out the window, and could see the sun rising. It was really pretty, coming through the trees.
I had a warm shower.
I put on some nice clothes to wear.
I had a good breakfast, with a mug of hot chocolate
I got to class early.
Learned some interesting things in Pop Com
Talked to Duncan
Learned some more interesting things in Plant
Enjoyed listening to Dr. K's accent
Justin asked why I was limping; always nice to have someone care
Managed to pay attention and contribute a bit to Ethics class
Had a nice, relaxing, review-filled Organic Chem class
Learned in Anthro that the notes are online, and that we were reviewing another class's material again, so I didn't have to type as much
Andrew offered to carry my bag and the like, due to my obvious limp; again, nice to have someone care
Had a nice lunch with Andrew and Elizabeth
Said a Divine Mercy Chaplet
Got some plant studying done
Had a nice, one-hour nap
Was pleasantly surprised to find Joseph online
Reviewed Anthro notes; finally learned the difference between Anthropoid, hominoid, and hominid
Enjoyed reading some of 'My Life on the Rock'
A few times during the day, went to the bathroom. Yes, I count this as a happiness. There's a reason why it's called 'relieving yourself'
Had a nice supper with Andrew, Elizabeth, and Hillary
Saw an almost full moon peaking through the trees
Ate some dark chocolate
Was again pleasantly surprised to see Joseph online again ^^
Played guitar for awhile


Not a bad day, if I do say so myself.

About Time...

I haven't posted in awhile. I'm just been chilling out, relaxing, being lazy. Wh00t. I'm starting to get to the point where I want to do something more... I hope my job situation gets cleared up soon.

I have returned to Neopets. I can't resist those games. I'm stockpiling neopoints, to what end, I have no idea. I'm just having fun. I forgotten how much fun that little world is, with all those items and stuff. All the rare stuff is uber-expensive, more so than when I left it 2 years ago.

I was going to rehash the argument Nicky and I had today, but I don't care anymore. I don't think I'm being unfeminine if you can't see where my breasts sit at all times. I wear what I like, and what is modest. I want some feminine mystery, thanks; not with my cleavage playing peek-a-boo, and my silhouette equivalent to when I'm naked.

I had a THIRD dream where I was pregnant! I was about 2 or 3 months along, and I was at some kind of ski resort with my family. I, for some reason, didn't want them to know I was pregnant, and I had to avoid certain activities that would let them see that I was. It was strange. No idea who the father was.

A Good Day

I'm happy to report that the past two days have been much better. No fights, everyone's been politer to each other. Sasha was cranky this morning, because she wasn't feeling well. I was beginning to wonder if she wasn't exaggerating a bit, but then she threw up. Oh dear. But I think she felt better afterwards; she seemed fine after I was picked up from Joseph's.

Speaking of which, I visited Joseph today! Yay! :D We had a good time. We jammed on the guitar and the piano, using a neat little program on Joseph's computer; watched a movie called 'Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure', very funny; cooked lunch, involving my preventing Joseph from burning some mini-pizzas in the toaster oven and soup and a very rich chocolate cake which I baked yesterday; and some good, old-fasioned cuddling time. For those who are interested, nothing naughty happened. I would be happy to tell Jesus about anything that happened, if He so wished to hear about it. ^^

I'm am still waiting to hear back about the job. I would start May 7th if I got it, which means I would have to find a place to sublet REALLY fast. 0.o I am considering subletting from the Christian girls, but their place is up a steep flight of stairs, and a bit of a walk from campus. But, it is really close to the grocery store. But, it's on the more expensive side to rent. Unfortunately, I don't really know where else I would stay. x.x I will contact them once I know for sure about the job.

Another thing I'm waiting to here back on is a time-table mix up. The times for the two plant labs, one Monday and one Tuesday, seem to be mixed up. The times would make much more sense if they were the other way around, so that the Monday lab didn't start in the middle of my Anthro class. Otherwise, it will take a bit of time-table switching. x.x

Arg...

I need to get some of this out before I sleep...
Our household seems to be suffering from discipline displacement. My mom seems to want to take the easiest and fastest route to ending a dispute, be it logical and fair or not. Forget fighting with the unreasonable 13yo, let's get the 18yo, who is guaranteed to listen, to back down. Then the 13yo turns on her sweet-talk, and everything's great. So, what really happened: I was in bed. I had been in bed for about 5 minutes. Sasha was brushing her teeth, and was coming to bed soon. I shut off the lights in our bedroom. It was 11 o'clock, I was tired, she should have been in bed awhile ago, etc. She marches in and turns on a light 'so she could see'. She could have left the bedroom door open a bit; that would provide light for her, but in such a way that it didn't fall on my bed as much. But she chose to turn on a light that cast plenty of photons directly at me. I was mad. Duh. Who wouldn't be? Julie never did things like that when we were roommates. If she was up after me, she did her best to find a way to use a light in a way that it would bother me the least. Aka, she was considerate of the fact I wanted to sleep. Not so here. I told Sasha to turn off the light. Mom comes in and tells _me_ to grow up. Fine; I could have handled that better. But does Sasha get any reprimand? Nope. Heavens forbid I get upset at someone blatantly trying to disturb me, but she can go right ahead and disturb me, no problem. It's all my fault. I was on the verge of just telling Mom to leave me alone, forget tucking me in, but I knew I would feel even worse if I did. Meanwhile, Sasha is as loud as legitimately possible while saying goodnight to Mom and Dad.
I don't know what to do anymore. Every single day, something like this happens. Yesterday, it was Sasha stuffing a baseball down the hood of my sweater. I took it out, and held onto it. She started shuffling up to me, coming within a centimeter of me, saying things like "gimme the ball, gimme it back" in a very childish voice. I am very protective of my personal space. Both my sisters know that, unfortunately with the occasional bruise to prove it. Do Not Touch Me, Period. I hate it. I told Sasha to back off, with a few pushes to drive the point home. She continued to demand the ball, never once staying back, continuously trying to move closer. I continued to tell her to get away from me. This was all with Mom sitting right next to us. Sasha starts screaming and crying for her ball back, all the while still not getting out of my space! Now Mom intervenes, telling Sasha to get a grip, and asking for the ball herself, which I gladly give up. Then Nicky decides to pitch in, and tell Mom and I that we're the ones in the wrong. As if Sasha's some 5yo that can't behave herself unless she gets what she wants, exactly when she wants it. Mom goes back to whatever she had been doing before on her computer, leaving me to argue with Nicky. The only thing I think I could have done better was to rephrase myself, saying that if she backed away, she would get the ball back, which I guess I never stated. Fine. But does that mean Sasha gets to throw a hissy fit?
I'm stuck. I obviously can't be a parent, but without any clear rules as to what the rules are, I don't know what to do besides pick the course of action that seems to be the best to me at the time, and deal with the consequences. Mom is tired of fighting. I've been gone for the past 8 months, I didn't tire her out. I want to help! But I have not a damn clue as to how to do that!!! I would love to give her my energy to fit and discipline, but I can't. Dad isn't home for all that long every day. There are no bedtimes, very little school, Mom busy doing ten things at once. I am not going to be walked over by my sisters, the way they do to Mom. I guess that's why I'm the focal point of these fights all of a sudden. It's all an authority thing; everyone trying to exert it over everyone else, because the one who is supposed to be lawfully and morally exerting it doesn't want to. I hope I get that job in Sackville. I want out of this house. I want to go back to where people try to be civilized to each other.

There may be some exaggerations in the above post. I'm tired and upset. It's nearing midnight. Take it with a grain of salt.

Joseph Update

Well, I finally got to talk to Joseph. He's not been himself ever since finding out about the afore-mentioned mess. At work, he even asked what he should do with "these hard drives." He was holding a stack of keyboards. This is highly unusual for him, obviously. So his lack of contact was mostly due to that. Interestingly enough, after I vented and explained my hurt, and he apologized, we enjoyed one of the best hour of conversation that we had in awhile. I must get back to this conversation now. :)

20th Post!

This is my 20th post so far. Wh00teh.

So, I spent the past day in Sackville! It was great fun, getting to see my friends again. I hung out at the Bridgestreet again, this time with Abdon, and this dude from China, I think his name was Phil. It twas fun. I happened to leave there at exactly the right time so that when I reached Centennial Hall, Dr. Campbell was leaving it. He asked me how my summer plans were, I told him I hadn't gotten a research position, and was looking for something in Oxford that didn't involve peeling onions. He told me they were applying for more money, and, though they didn't know if they had gotten it yet, to send him and email and he would "let me know". I'm praying that this means I will get to do something interesting this summer after all!

I'm trying to figure out what to do about my boyfriend... I haven't talked to him in over 60 hours, which is unusual for us, and he hasn't sent me an email or anything, also unusual. Yeah, I know, people dealt with longer times of not hearing from each other in olden days, but we don't have to deal with that now; that's the point of having the internet and stuff, so people can contact each other more easily. On top of the lack-of-contact, I was on MSN for half an hour last night, and he was online, but apparently busy, because he never replied to me. *sighs* I'm trying to figure out what legitimate things could keep him totally occupied from the moment he got home from work until when he went to bed at night. Short of surgery, and he's no doctor, I can't think of anything so vitally important that it would keep him busy for 6+ hours without a 10 minute break to write a quick note. *sighs again* I'm trying to think of the best way to approach this when we actually get to talk... I'm going to be blunt with him, so that his male brain(again, I don't mean this at all in a derogatory way) doesn't have to decipher those clues us girls understand INSTANTLY. I am hoping he has a really good explanation. I know he's stressed about the whole afore-mentioned mess, but you'd think he would welcome the excuse to think about something different, or at least unload his worries to me, via email. I'm just confused. I want to be as charitable as possible about this, but I am hurt. It can't be that he dislikes writing emails, because he expresses himself very well through writing, and always seems to have fun writing, and he used to send me emails all the time. He sent me one almost every day when I went to WYD. I just don't understand. I don't want to be mad at him. I hope it's nothing I said... but guys don't usually go in for the round-about ways of telling you their hurt. I'll ask him anyways... Oh, Joseph. It's a good thing I love him.

From the Bridge

I'm back in Sackville again, to visit Sarah, Jessica, and Jana, and perhaps Abdon. I just enjoyed a smoothie here at the Bridgestreet Cafe. It was yummy. ^^ Sarah's gone to get eggs, and when she gets back, we're going to go have some breakfast at her B&B. Later, I'm going to meet up Jana, here again, and I need to talk to the scholarship people here at MountA... but I heard that the person who handles that sort of thing isn't interested in anyone other than students who are just about to to come to Mount A.

And I must be off for breakfast... more later. I can't wait for Saturday! *dances*

One Big Mess

I've explained this to too many people to write up another full description of the current kettle of hot-water Joseph has found himself in. Long story short, HUGE bug in an online testing system, Joseph took advantage of it as a answer-check, though he wouldn't give himself the mark if he couldn't get his calculations to work, the prof knew about this bug, the computer admin people at Dal knew about it, presumably Blackboard knew about it, it wasn't fixed, now Joseph and 115 other engineering students are being pulled before the Academic dishonesty people to plead their case on Friday. I was upset, was mad, felt betrayed, realized Joseph was VERY sorry for what he had done and was willing to accept the consequences, I forgave him, he's going to confession. I'd like to say everyone's happy, but it will be awhile before he's able to pull himself out of the hole he wants to dig himself into, and I don't blame him. Mom, Sasha, and I are planning to go down to Halifax, hopefully next weekend, so I'll try to cheer him up then. It's the devil that's trying to pull him down now. God would never want someone to beat themselves up for past sins, especially after He's forgiven them. All we can do is place the situation in God's hands. I realized last night I missed Sarah. She would have been the person I would have gone to talk to last night, waiting for Joseph to get home. Thank goodness for Mommy. ^^

I'm liking being at home. I finally unpacked everything, and moved all the stuff I won't touch until next fall into the loft. I'm going to try and keep the house cleaner for Mom. Nicky and Sash haven't discovered the joys of house-cleaning yet. It really is very satisfying. I'm planning on cleaning all the screens for the windows tomorrow, as soon as I get a hose from Dad. I'm going to call Trish on Monday about work this summer. She said something to my dad about working in quality control. Hopefully that's a bit more interesting than the rest of the stuff at the plant. I'm smart, organized, and I learn fast. The company can only benefit from placing me in a job that others wouldn't be able to do. I only hope quality control doesn't entail working nights... x.x Night-shifts are inhumane... They should be immoral. :P

I rediscovered the joys of JetMoto2 today. Yay for old-school Playstation. ^^ I'm off to do something interesting, perhaps talk to my parents for a bit... I'm hatching plans to go visit Sarah and Jess on Monday. ^^

Home Sweet Home

I am home, and still have unpacking to do. Too many things that need to go into the loft for the summer, etc... I cleared off my desk downstairs so I could put stuff on it. It now has stuff on it, and will have more stuff on it by the end of the day.

My Lunapads came!!!! I'm so excited! I want to have my period now! :P It was like Christmas, opening up the package to see what kinds of fabrics I received. I have: 1 long Swirly Purple Stars pad, 1 long Poodles in Paris pad, 1 maxi Hearts pad, 1 maxi Red pad, 1 maxi Crazy Squares pad, 1 mini French Veggies and Fruits pad, 1 mini Midnight Pansies pad, 1 long purple liners set(one with wings and one without), 1 long pink liners set, 1 maxi purple liners set, 1 maxi pink liners set, 1 maxi red liners set, 1 mini blue liners set, and 1 mini black liners set. I am actually going to have FUN next time my period comes around. Who wouldn't, getting to pick between hearts and poodles, with mix'n'match liners? ^^

I had another pregnancy-dream last night, and this time, Sarah was pregnant as well. 0.o Why my mind picked the two people least likely to get pregnant right now, I have no idea, but it did. This time, we were upset. I'm not sure how we got pregnant, NO explanation whatsoever, but I know we were unwed, and scared. We were going to have abortions. (I know, shock and horror, but wait!) My dream-logic was 'I'll keep the next one. Just not this one, not now!' We were in a line-up with many other women; Sarah was in front of me. You had to purchase a ticket, and then you were called in to the next room to have the abortion done. We both bought our tickets, and then Sarah was called in. I came the sudden realization that what we were doing was wrong. So I yelled, "Wait, Sarah! Come back! We can't do this!" And she came running back to me, and we both fell crying into each other's arms, feeling relieved, etc. Really warm-gushy moment. ^^ And then I woke up.

I'll probably get to see Joseph today! *dances* Just briefly, but I still get to see him! He's driving through with his dad, and is going to spend the weekend at home. Which means I'll probably get to see him again on Sunday... ^^ Yay!

Ah, home... it is nice to be back. And it looks like people need my help. I don't know what happened in the 8 months I was gone... Nicky and Sasha haven't been doing much schoolwork. They've figured out (probably not intentionally) the best way to wear her down: rudeness, arguments, and insults. Mom is a very sensitive person, making her a GREAT care-giver. She hates seeing anyone sick or unhappy, and wants to make them feel better. She likes peace, and in this case, the only way she'll get peace is leaving my sisters up to their own devices. I've realized lately, with the maturation of my own mind, that kids are not entirely logical. I think I wrote a post about this awhile back, so I shan't rehash it. But the short of the matter is, you can't reason with my sisters entirely. You can up to a point, but they'll try to argue anyways. So, it comes down to being able to put your foot down, and refuse to argue with them. Do-what-I-said-because-I-told-you-too,-I'm-your-parent. I do not have that authority, of course. As much as I'd like to be able to help mom out, I can't get Nicky and Sasha to do anything. I did realize last night that I can draw their line of fire to myself. The only thing I have a right to do is to defend our mother if she's being mistreated, no matter who is mistreating her. So, I can tell them to stop abusing her, just like I would with anyone else, be it some kid who calls her an idiot, to a full-grown man. I don't care. She's my mom. She gave birth to me, raised me, dealt with me when I was an irrational kid, gave me an excellent education, and still takes care of me financially, and when I'm at home over the holidays. I think if my sisters realized the hurt they caused mom by their words and actions, they wouldn't do it. There are many other people out there in the world that they will have to stand their ground with, no matter what, but their mother is not one of them. I've asked mom, and she says that I was bad when I was five. Not 13, not 16, 5. I had my bad years. I was well out of them by the time I was a teenager. I understand Nicky wants to be different from me, and that's fine, no problem with that. By to be different by being cruel is not fine. I know I had a few years where I was addicted to the computer. I hope Nicky and Sasha come out of that stage sooner rather than later. There are too many other cool things to do in the world. Computer-stuff is one of those cool things, but there is a limit.
I'll have more to say on this subject as the summer progresses, no doubt.

Now, an interesting new development: I have a readership. Apparently, my sisters, my mom, and Jan like to read my blog. I didn't start this with the intention of getting people to read it(I knew Joseph would read it regardless), but it appears they want to anyways. Very neat. Well, welcome to my thoughts, such as they are.

I'm off to shower, eat, and continue unpacking.

FREE!!!

I'm done! Free! No more studying, no more exams! Done, done, done, DONE! ^^ Now I need to pack...

I had another strange dream last night. Well, come to think of it, all dreams are strange. I was weirder that I woke up half-way through the dream, then fell back asleep again, and it continued. The main thing that this dream revolved around was the fact I was pregnant. 0.o awkward... x.x Joseph was the father. more awkward... x.x Though I was still a virgin... I'm fuzzy on the details, (thank goodness!) probably because I have NO memories that could be twisted enough to make me dream about actual sex. I think the explanation was that the *ahem* male-half of the baby-making equation had somehow gotten approximately in the right spot, and, um, went from there. ^^;; really, really, REALLY awkward! x.xI don't even remember dreaming that episode, just knowing that was what had happened. I can't remember now if we were married or not... Anyways, I didn't seem to upset with the whole thing. Joseph and I were just bopping about a house somewhere, it didn't seem to be mine or his, so perhaps we were married, in a house of our own? I don't know... at some point, I woke up, then fell asleep again. I seemed to be further along in the pregnancy then; I had a bump on my tummy. ^^ I think we were discussing names when I woke up. I was quite happy throughout the dream itself, but waking up and thinking about it was, again, awkward. x.x

I need to pack up all my stuff... x.o It's a little hard to know where to start. I'm thinking I'll begin with the closet where my dress is, and then move counter-clockwise around the room. Wh00t.

Did I mention, I'm FREE??? ^^

Just so you know

So no one reads the post below this and thinks I've lost my mind, no worries. As predicted, I'm feeling just fine today. Thank you to the nameless commenter, though. :)

For Someone with all the Answers...

my mind is a bit of a jumble right now; I'll try to get everything down as best as possible.

my knee has been paining my all day; something about the weather. I need to take yet more Advil before I sleep. But I don't care. The pain doesn't bother me that much, it does bother me that it means I am causing damage to my knee. I don't think I'm a masochist, because I don't enjoy pain. I grumble about it. But it... doesn't bother me. I don't care, really.

I've been having a rather black-mood sort of day. I hate those. I get all these thoughts about how I'm being useless, I need to change, etc, etc. Loads of explanations as to why I'm feeling this was. Not enough sleep, not eating right, just hormones, etc. If you feel like you need to change, pray! Pray, pray, pray, PRAY, PRAY! Prayer answers everything, right? You're afraid to make the changes God wants you to make in your life, well, just pray! Not understanding what those changes should be? Pray! Tired of waiting for an answer? Pray some more! I know prayer is so powerful, and I know it is doing something, and it does so much good. But I feel like I'm missing something. Oh, that's right: prayer! I need more prayer, so I can pray better. Try a different form of prayer. Just keep praying. I'm getting sick of it, and that's a huge, bright, flashing warning sign, to me, except that I know this will pass. It always, always passes. And without fail, it returns. And I can't do anything, except pray. Even if I am bipolar, I am NOT taking any drugs for it. I deal with it, through prayer. I'm coming up against that wall inside me that seems to be between me and God again. And again. And again. I don't know what it is. I don't know how to get rid of it. But I want it down. So I pray. And add a few tears into the mix, too. Don't forget Joseph. He's awesome, he helps me so much. Maybe breaking the wall down doesn't have to do with anything that I need to do... but maybe it does. I don't know. For someone who has been told that I seem to have a connection to God, and that I'm a wonderful person, etc, etc, I sure don't feel like one. Yeah, feelings are fleeting, don't base everything on them. I hate having all the answers. I don't want anymore answers. I want struggle. But I'm afraid of struggle, I don't know how to handle struggle, because I've always had answers. So, I'm left not knowing what to do.

Oh, and another thing: looks like I'll be working at the plant AGAIN this summer. I HATE it there. That's not entirely true, but I do dislike it heavily... and there's nothing I can do except go at it with a cheerful face, being nice and sweet to everyone, which is what I'm supposed to do, and what I want to do, and what I should do. I'm making money. That's what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm bored, my brains are melting out of my ears, but I'm making money, so I can go to university, which I love. There's my answers again. But maybe I don't want answers. Maybe I just want to sit and cry, because I'm human, and I'm frustrated. There's an answer for everything. I'm human, I'm allowed to get upset. I'll cry, I'll get over it, everything will be fine. WHY AM I NOT SATISFIED WITH THESE ANSWERS??? I can argue just about any moral situation; if not I know where to get answers. Ditto for every, single, other, stinking problem in everyone's life. Why does this not content me??? Plato was right when he said that knowledge is not the good... God is the good. And I have all the answers for reaching God: prayer. Prayer and time fixes everything.

Who can help someone with all the answers? I even know the answer to that: God. Duh. I DON'T WANT ANYMORE ANSWERS. Why? I have no idea. Finally, something I don't know.

Please, ignore this gloomy post. Like I said, I'll be fine in a day or so. No need to worry. I'm just venting.

Four Down, One to Go

I had another interesting dream last night. It was almost lucid. It started in my residence room, I think... a thing had been installed in the floor of my room overnight. It was supposed to be some kind of laundry chut, I think... I didn't like it. I think I showered, dressed, and then I was following a bunch of people across campus to go to an exam. We were winding through a cafe-place, and I saw Joseph with some other guys, studying. He smiled, and reached out for me, but I had to keep going, we were going to be late for the exam. I got separated from the group, with another person. I don't know who they were, they were male one second, then female, and always younger and smaller than me. We saw what we thought was the right way to the gym, where our exam was. There was a park-like area between us and the gym. We had to cross a busy road to get to the park, which took awhile. We saw a bunch of machinery, and slowly realized the park was being turned into a giant stadium. One half of the wall had been built, and it was between us and the gym. Then, I realized we were in Halifax, and our exam was in Sackville, so we would never make it. So, I decided to go back and find Joseph again. We crossed the road again, and had to trek through a wheat-field to get back to the cafe. Some kid was following us, pulling up the grass and throwing it at us, saying he was infecting us with syphilis. 0.o We ignored him, and eventually made it back to the cafe place. However, Joseph had left. :( I was convinced either than is was a dream, or that it wasn't, I can't remember now. Then I 'woke up'. I was in my room, my laptop was playing music and everything, except I was still dreaming. I was convinced at that point that it wasn't a dream. I opened my windows, because I heard some weird noises outside, and there was a huge back-hoe moving around. It was digging up trees and stuff, and it seemed to have a sort of mouth rather than a bucket on the end of it's arm. It was snapping up some rotten wood. Beth came in, toting a bunch of old, wooden boards, and dumped them on my floor. She told me to take care of the hoe, and feed it well. Then I actually woke up, to real music playing from my real laptop. Confusing, to say the least.

Calculus is over. Done. I never have to take anymore math unless I want to take it. 0.o The exam was good, I think I did well. There was one question I am kicking myself over. x.x I should have reviewed approximate integration, but I didn't. I gave it my best guess, but I have no idea if I was right... I'm afraid to look. x.x

*looks*

YES! I did it right! *dances* Thank you, God, for my memory!

There was a group of people having a tour when I left Windsor to check my mail. I said "Windsor's awesome!" as I was passing them, and they laughed. No Lunapads, yet... Maybe tomorrow. ^^

I'm going to call my mom, since I want to eat lunch, and I don't want to wait until she gets my email.

Happy Sunday!

Ah, Sunday... one of my most favorite days of the week. I get up bright and early, and get to enjoy the early morning world when most people are still asleep. And the bird-song! I've been waiting all winter to hear that again. Warbles, chirrups, croaks, whistles, 'laughter', you name it. I'd love to be able to greet each day with the joy the little birds seem to have.

I was all set for my last class with 'my boys', or the two-three young men who show up to my faith formation classes... we were going to watch a movie, and I was going to bid them farewell until next year, etc. But, there was a confirmation retreat happening that afternoon, starting at 1, when I normally have faith formation. I was totally confused. No one had told me this was happening... in the confusion, I forgot to grab my water-bottle which I had left behind at Mass that morning. *sighs* I'm going to head down tomorrow to get it... walking up to the church twice was difficult enough for one day. Stupid knee. It acts up in this kind of weather. But I have been meaning to go up and just pray in front of the tabernacle for a bit (yay for church keys! ^^) so I'll take advantage of that tomorrow.

Oh, calculus... I just want to get it over with. It won't be difficult, I don't think... but I still just want to finish this year. Calculus, then Physics... then I'm free! ^^

I finally know what 'back labor' is. It's when the baby is in such a position to cause the pain of labor to be felt in the mother's back, versus the front, which is what it's supposed to be like. It amplifies an already rather uncomfortable feeling so it, apparently, feels like someone is slowly trying to snap your back in half, or dig out your disks with dull knifes. 0.o I pray that, if I am ever blessed with children, that I don't have to go through that. x.x

Off to make up a formula sheet for calculus...

Three down, Two to go

Cell biology exam is done... it could have gone better, but I think it did go really well. I hope. I'll get at least partial marks on everything. I didn't leave anything blank... I could at least half answer every question. Most of them I knew... *sighs* I guess I won't know until the marks come in.

*leaves to go check mail* *gets all sorts of cool stuff* I meant to get it just after my exam, but I forgot. Oh well. Yay for pro-life newsletters! ^^ I hope my Lunapads come next week... I'm going to check again on Monday.

Joseph and I finally were able to enjoy some time together last night. He showed me some funny pictures, I studied. He's in a job interview right now, or it may have ended by now, I don't know. He really wants this job, and I hope he gets it. He'd have so much fun at it! And he's extremely qualified. He's done sale service before with his dad, and is an absolute wizard with computers. unless they've got someone who's a second Einstein, they'd be fools not to hire him. But I might be biased...

I've been thinking about the development of logic and communication through childhood into teenage years and then adulthood. Honestly, when you're a kid, logic just doesn't work for most people (Joseph, you're an exception ^^). You cannot logically explain things to a child. They won't get it 95% of the time, especially if they're in a bad mood. Granted, there are somethings that a kid will understand more clearly than adults, but by that same grace, somethings they won't. I recently read a story from a mother who was getting a cookie for her young child. While she was doing this, the child was crawling under her highchair to get a dry crust of bread that had dropped down there a few days ago. The mother went to take it away from her, and she started screaming and crying! Explaining that mommy was going to give her a cookie made no difference. The mother finally had to pop the cookie into the child's mouth before she understood, and let go of the bread. I think this story shows two lessons: one, you can't use logic 9 times out of 10 with a kid, and second, it's rather like what God is like with us. We clutch onto our dry crusts of bread as if they're the most precious things in the world, while God is trying to tug them away from us to shower us with cookies. Beautiful analogy. But back to kids and logic: it seems the second stage after refusing all logic is when you start to be able to piece together some of your own, and want to know "but why???" However, you still lack the life experience and knowledge needed for parents to be able to explain logically everything to you. And then you start delighting in being able to say what parents say delicately completely bluntly. A few years later, and you pick up on why your parents were saying things delicately in the first place.

I also finally deciphered a story I heard my mom tell someone else about my dad's experience visiting a friend's house, who happened to be from India. Now, my dad loves spicy food; Indian curries, wasabi, you name it. He went to visit this pal of his (I think he was in high school, or university, I'm not sure). He stayed for supper, and his friend's parents assured him that they had toned down the spiciness of the food considerably for him. Apparently, my dad cried. Now, my 9-year-old self took that as tears of disappointment. It took me a couple years to figure out that a) my dad would never cry from disappointment, let alone tell anyone if he did and b) he cried because the food was so hot. Actually, I was so touched when I was 9, I almost cried myself out of sympathy for my dad, knowing that he loved spicy foods. ^^;;

I just noticed in the past day or two that Joseph's face has changed a bit over the past year. Now, when I first met him, he had a very boyish, round, cute face. I'll be honest, I was slightly turned off by it, but no where near enough to affect our relationship, he was too amazing and wonderful. ^^ I told myself that he entire body, including his face, would probably mature during university, as it takes quite awhile for a guy's body to fully mature into manhood. Low and behold, it has. ^^ I thought he was pretty cute when I first met him, now he's really cute. ;) I'll have to start fighting the other women off soon. Good looks + engineering + gentleman + devout Catholic? Killer combo! Thank you, God, for putting us together when You did. Sorry ladies, but I have dibs, in the form of nearly 2 years of love, on this incredible young man. ^^ Mine! *growls* It makes me think of what my dad probably looked like when he was young. He must have been adorable when he was a little boy, and now he's really handsome. There must have been an awkward transition phase for him when he was still too boyish looking for his age, but he's really grown into it now, and from the pictures he had when we was 20-something, whenever him and Mom married. I've heard that people tend to pick others that are similar to their parents... hmm... ^^

I'm off to embroider for a bit, then eat lunch, then hit the books for a calculus party. Wh00t-eh! ^^

Snow-Dam Break

I still hold to my theory that all the snow we didn't get this winter built up behind a dam somewhere, and that dam has finally broken, resulting in our double-hit of snowstorms in April.

I hate the feeling where I want sooo badly to be mad at someone, anyone, but I have no logical reason to be. It doesn't help that I'm being tempted to unleash this strange desire on Joseph. I was trying to help him with a chemistry problem last night when he was studying. I was searching through my text book for an answer to a crazy redox question, eventually found it, and sent it off to him. I have no idea if it helped or not, partly because his MSN was acting screwy, and partly because he told me he couldn't chat and should be studying. *sighs* I was trying to help, not bother him. But, I can't get mad at him, because I know he would talk to me if he had the time, and he knows I was trying to help and not annoy, and if he had had room in his (and I mean it in a nice way) male brain for anything other than one subject, last night that being chemistry, he would have thanked me. So, I have no real reason to be mad at him. A tiny bit of justification for being annoyed, but certainly not mad. That would be immature. I'm trying to decide whether I should semi-avoid him, to give myself less opportunities to be tempted into being mad, or whether it would make me more tempted to be mad depending on how long it takes him to realize I'm being female and, despite me not being online, I actually want him to contact me. *sighs again* I don't want to be a bitchy, immature, annoying, wily girlfriend. I don't want to trick him into 'messing up'. This is my problem, not his... I blame it on hormones. But hormones don't justify anything. They might explain why I'm feeling this way, but do not give me an excuse to get cranky. Lord, give me strength... x.x


I had an interesting chat with Sarah last night about whether you can define God or not... Her thoughts went too deep for me to really put them down here, and I don't really want to. I shall only put my own: that we can say that God has some attributes, but He has the unlimited, beyond-the-scope-of-our-mere-human-comprehension version. Love, kindness, knowledge, etc... we only have lesser versions of these on earth, while God possesses the full scope of them, which we will never understand here on earth, and possibly not at all, ever. I was feeling apathetic last night as well. It's been awhile since I've had one of those moods. Probably something to do with being tired, it being sooo close to the end of the school year, etc... but I'm getting it back. I'm motivating myself to study because I can't let Dr. Lloyd down. She thinks I'm an awesome first year student, and I want to live up to that, aka by doing well on the final. But I had to take a break from studying... it's not any good when you're reading a slide, and nothing is sticking in your mind.

I'm off to embroider for a bit, and I shall eat lunch, and get back at it. Wh00t.

Sleepy-Lonely day

I had an interesting dream last night... I'll try to put it down as best I remember it. I was in a spaceship, and we were searching for the Star Maps, just like from KotOR. I had found them all, and they had transformed into a single map, that I think became tattooed on my arm... There were a number of strange people on our crew, including a guy who seemed to be part dolphin, part man. I'm a bit fuzzy on the details of his anatomy... and I think Joseph was around. Anyways, this dolphin guy just came back from some kind of expedition, in his special shuttle that was mostly full of water (needs some air to breathe, I guess). I think we were good friends, since I was happy to see him, and jumped into the tank of water that he disembarked into. We splashed around for awhile, along with a few other anonymous members of the crew. He looked mostly dolphin-like, until he came up to me, and gave me a big hug, and a kiss on the cheek. My dreams are confusing sometimes, because it never seems to be Joseph hugging or kissing me, but it always feels like him... probably since I have little experience in those areas with anyone other than him. I need to have a serious talk with my dream-self about all this dream-cheating she's doing. Anyway, I became embarrassed, and fled to my quarters. For some reason, I had a window, that was letting in sunlight. Maybe we were close to a star or something. There was also a nice pot of flowers by the window. And then I woke up. I love dreams. ^^

I have been trying to study today, honestly. And I think it is working, a bit... I'll need to get back at it as soon as I finish this post. The exam is on Saturday morning... gah. x.x

I went for another walk. I went exploring a bit, along some paths I don't normally take. There was a couple in the lookout post. I politely ignored them, as they seemed to be enjoying themselves. There were many robins about; hard to believe it's supposed to snow tonight. Part of the board walk was flooded, but I went across it anyways. I didn't get too wet... thank goodness I had the foresight to wear my winter boots. I would have been wet if I had worn my sneakers.

Speaking of shoes, Sarah gave me a pair of Birkenstock's! :D I'm happy! They're very comfy.

Caitlin left this morning... it's so weird. We'll all be finished first year soon. We won't be frosh anymore. 0.o Only three more years...

There have been several threads on NFP and how much two particular guys dislike it on CAF lately. They are trying to overcome their difficulties, which is admirable, but they feel like the Church is ignoring the fact that they struggle, and just telling them to pray and fast. Just? Prayer and fasting are two of the most powerful aides to overcoming sin and darkness, the fasting especially for men! The Church knows they are struggling, but they can't compromise with sin. Contraception and masturbation are sins because they hurt you and your relationships. It's not to frustrate you, or keep you from having fun, or from being at peace. Sin is wrong for a reason! And no one is forcing you to use NFP. But it is too harmful to everyone involved to try and separate the pro creative aspect of sex from the unitive or pleasurable parts. It simply can't be done without harmful consequences. You're men; you're tough. Get over it. God will guide you.

Communication Confusion

I'm wondering if writing this out will help me sort this out or not... When I went on MSN this morning, Joseph was online. I sent my usual greeting, and asked "Aren't you studying chemistry today?" He gave his usual reply to my greeting, with a "yes". He then added a "so..." and I replied "So? ^^" He said "my MSN name shows my status x.x"; it said To do: Exams 2/4. I replied "Mine would say 1/5... you'll be fine. ^^" I'm not sure how this came across, because he didn't say anything else for a long time. I sent "I take it we're both studying away? ^^" When I received no further reply, I added a "*pokes*". He said "yes". I said "Okay, I'll stop bugging you..." and that was it. I'm not exactly sure what I was trying to accomplish... I think I was a bit concerned about him since he said he had been feeling 'blah' yesterday... I may have annoyed him, but that's unlikely, and he doesn't normally behave this cryptically. If he couldn't talk because he was studying, he normally says something like "I'm sorry, but I must work :(" Which is fine, I understand, and we both go off and work, by ourselves. He did tell me last night that he must study today, so perhaps that's when the above message was conveyed... I'm trying to interpret this the way a guy would, since their words aren't so calculated and weighted like girls' words are. He also could be deep in studying, and not aware of what else might be going on. That's probably the most likely explanation; he's using his one-track mind to concentrate on chemistry, to the exclusion of all else, including me, MSN, and how he may have come across.
Hmm. This did help. Good little blog.

One down, Four to go

My chemistry exam is finished. It was a very fair exam, and I think I did fairly well. There was one or two questions that confused me, and I don't think I answered them well, and one I couldn't answer at all; something to do with find the temperature at which a certain reaction would be at equilibrium given this deltaG value and this deltaH value. x.o I feel sorry for our professor. Most of the class is ragging on him for the fact that they're doing badly. I'm averaging an A-. He's not a super prof, I'll be honest there... but I really don't think it's mostly his fault. Some people just don't get chemistry, and that's fine. Yeah, it's going to look bad on your transcript, but perhaps you are better suited to something else. And please, work your butt off to get a passing grade before you start blaming the professor. If you have done all the assigned questions, some extra questions, read the text book, read and re-read your notes, asked the professor for help, asked other professors for help, sought tutoring, and studied for a week before the test instead of an hour the night before, then and only then can you suspect that something might be wrong with the professor's teaching style. I'm lucky and blessed, and I thank God for it, that I have a photographic memory. This certainly makes things easier on me. But I also work. I could work harder if I thought I needed to, but for this course I don't. And please, think about what you're doing before you start tearing down a relatively young professor's self esteem. We all need constructive criticism, but I wonder how much he's been getting, and how much is needless insults.

A walk and Relationship musings

I took a walk in the wildfowl park this afternoon. The weather was perfect, not too hot, not to cold, though I could have done with less sun glancing off the snow(it's melting slowly). Its nice to get out once in awhile. I think I've been cooped up in my room for too long. But, I'm back here again, cross-stitching while I memorize a few things for my chem exam this evening.

I was just thinking about Joseph and I... I'm not liking my behavior when we've been talking lately. We enjoyed a nice laugh together this morning when he was digging up a couple funny chat-room quotes. But we weren't talking... I'm not sure if I'm being realistic or not... we definitely still have good discussions, but I've been feeling rather argumentative, and I think it's because I want to hold onto his attention. If I refuse to accede to his point(s), then he'll keep explaining his argument, and pay attention to me. Then I get annoyed, and I think he does, just a little bit, because he's extremely patient, but then I blame him because I'm annoyed, which is silly, now that I understand where this anger is coming from. But I don't know what to do... after spending 3+ hours on Skype, we only actually talk for half an hour... but if we only have half-an-hour, we have enough conversation to last past our bedtimes(which too often happens), and then I'm mad again, because we were talking, but we need to sleep. I love him to death, but this is getting frustrating... and we can't exactly go for counciling or anything. People don't care about couple who would be married if they could, but they can't, so we would probably be told to break up, which would be silly, since this whole issue is silly, and nothing that would impede a marriage... if we were married, not only could we express our love for each other beyond words, we could do things together, and not always have to rely on conversation to spend time together, like we do now... Again, I don't know how realistic I'm being, and I don't know if this can be fixed, if it should be fixed, or if it's just another fact of life.

Abortion and Pregnancy

I was musing on two particular arguments for abortion this morning. One, that the embryo is 'just a lump of cells'; two, that 'the world is over-populated'.
The 'lump of cells' argument really doesn't hold any water. It's a unidentifiable mass of cells for about, oh, 5-7 days. By day 10, anyone who knows a bit about development can see that the cells are differentiating, meaning they are separating into groups that will become more and more specialized as time goes on. The mother probably won't even know she's pregnant, at least, not for sure. After that, it just keeps looking more and more like a living creature of some sort, and then a definite human being. By day 24, it has a beating heart! How is that a 'lump of cells'? Besides, as humans, by the time there are 8 cells in the embryo, differentiation has begun. This isn't a random tumor! The DNA is doing its work, and has begun to shape a human being.
Second: 'the world is over-populated'. Okay, first of all, that has never been proven, and only God will be able to tell if the world is truly over-populated. Second of all, why is it that those who are under 9 months of age(aka: unborn) are the ones to be offed? Why not kill off a bunch of adults, and allow a couple more children to be born? That would, actually, make more sense, if you want to reduce the population, and not kill it off completely. We need children, or we'll go extinct, and since over-population justifies killing people, why not adults? The logic doesn't hold.

After this train of thought subsided, I was left in awe at pregnant mothers. I can hardly imagine what it must be like to have an entire, new, perfect little human being growing inside you? To look at your stomach, and know that it's a person who's in there? A person who was created jointly by you, your(hopefully) husband, and God? I pray that someday I'll be able to experience that. Yeah, I know, you get morning sickness, you feel like a whale, and don't even start thinking about labor... I say, bring it on. Jesus went through pain for all of us; there are plenty of people who go through more pain, without the hope of having some kind of earthly joy at the end of it. So, bring it on. Bring it all on. Thanks to Jesus, suffering has a meaning. It's not useless. For the sake of all the children who's mothers, for whatever reason, allowed their child and themselves to be torn apart, bring it on!

String Quartet Performance

I am updating this far more often then I thought I would...

The performance was awesome. 2 violins, 1 viola, and one cello, four women who have been at this for 20 years. There are people who play music, and then there are people who play music. They were so well in sync with each other that it was hard to tell if anyone was in charge of the tempo. Each of them were deep in the music, though they each expressed it different ways. The violin players moved as much as their bows. The viola player enjoyed a secret smile every once in awhile. The cello player smiled ever-so-rarely. You could see the concentration on all their faces, but it was an enjoyable type. They were in their own little world on stage. And they all looked like they could be somebody's mom... which made me start thinking about stereotypes. It will make me think a bit more when I see your typical, middle-aged woman. You never know, she might be a world-class stringed-instrument player.

Supper Conversation

Well, I seem to be updating this more often than I thought I would...

Over supper, I mentioned my blog to Caitlin and Julie. Julie asked, "So, you're addicted to cathahol?" Laugher ensued. She also asked about CAF, which I check during class occasionally. "Paige, are you talking to Jesus when you should be listening to the Professor? I'm going to tell God on you... Oh wait, He already knows." I was in fits of laugher.

Thank goodness for non-religious friends who respect my religion enough to make non-offensive jokes using it.

Chemistry and Nerds

Mmm. Nerds. Watermelon and Lemonade-coated-Wild Cherry. Yummy.

My first exam is tomorrow, Intro Chem II. It's the only one I'm vaguely worried about, and if this is how I study when I'm vaguely worried, I don't know what I'll do for motivation when I study for the one's I'm not worried about. I should start studying for calculus today, actually... So many practice problems, so little time. I have to keep reminding myself that once this is done, I'm done. As in, it'll be summer, I can go home, and relax. Good thing I have embroidery, guitar, and KotOR, or I'll be bored...

Joseph just showed me a Java applet that takes over your mouse. 0.o Freaky.

Some of the first words out of Father's mouth at Easter vigil hit me pretty hard. Something like "drive the darkness and despair from our hearts". As I had been fighting off the usual feminine blues for the past couple of days, this really shook me up a bit. I realized, being done classes, I had no excuse for not finding time to pray during the day. So I promised to fix up my morning routine with a rosary. I love saying the rosary... I have a tough time focusing my thoughts heaven-ward without something to concentrate on(last time I tried to pray without an external aide, I fell asleep ^^;; though that might have more to do with the fact that I chose to sit on my bed to pray...), and the constant Hail Marys are perfect. God-centered music is also good... not to mention Adoration. Hard to ignore Jesus when He's sitting in front of you, albiet in the form of bread.

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter to one and all! Biggest party day of the church year... and we're snowed in. In April. God bless Canada. I suppose it makes up for the fact that we had no snow at Christmas. Ah well.

I have blogged before, so I'm going to skip the preliminary "Welcome, this is my first post, I'm going to post every day (which I won't)" etc.

I was bothered last night by a lady asking me if I checked out the cute guys on my campus. I replied with a fairly vehement no, explaining that my boy was in a different city. She went on about how I wasn't married, and why not... and how long have you two been together, anyways? 2 years at the end of June... That's too long, get rid of him! We plan to get married after I graduate... But you have so much growing to do in those years! Yeah, same as all the years after that... I was starting to get bothered at this point, and I bet her that I would have a ring (as in, an engagement type ring) by this time next year. She asked me what program he was in; I replied, engineering. She switched modes, and starting telling to get that ring, and hold on to him! She later admitted to just playing with my head, and I laughed it off, but I was still annoyed... I'm not a kid. I know, listen to the wisdom of your elders and all that, but many of the wise, Catholic people I know who know both me and my boyfriend have never spoken negatively of our relationship. My mom doesn't want me to trust him to care for me for the rest of my life, but I am not getting my education just for that. I'm getting it in case he gets sick or something, and I need to work to support us, and any children, or to keep myself occupied if we aren't blessed with children. ^^ I might do some part-time research, I don't know yet. Life is full of possibilities, and I trust God to lead to straight. ^^ Okay, so that's a habit I still need to develop some more, trusting God and all, but I try.

I'm having fun relaxing at home for Easter. My little sister is playing a Playstation game (yes, the old-school Playstation ^^) that I used to play obsessively when I was her age. She's enjoying it; Spyro: Year of the Dragon ^^ *tries to give some advice to sister* *don't tell me what do!* :P

Hmm, now here's an interesting dilema: I don't want to use my real name in this blog, for various reasons, hence my pseudonym subterratigress (or Tigress). But can I use the names of my friends? Would it be any different? What if I asked there permission first? Something for me to ponder... and what about the name of my campus? I shall discuss it with my boyfriend, internet-savy, level-headed, logical young man that he is. Well, after he's done studying for his statics exam, anyways... He shall perhaps convince me to end up using my real name :P Internet safety is strange... and how much can one keep on a blog? All things to consider... I love the writing style I can use, the orderliness of getting my thoughts down on paper(so to speak)... It's easier for me that speaking, though I keep swearing to myself I'll learn how to speak the way I write.

Lovely first post, if I can say so myself. ^^